I'm the only one who lost.

Rose's Room - aivi & surasshu

8/28/2015

I haven't updated in a while.

We usually get discouraged when we don't get enough attention. We can't stay motivated enough because we always seek validation. That's honestly the biggest reason I tend to act like some dog.

I'm still pretty rough when it comes to being nice.
I've never been able to handle things when it came to my life and people who mattered.
Everyone, who I learned from growing up, always ran away from their problems. Let it be divorce or problems.
They always shut themselves away from people.

Sigh. These past few years, I've gotten really crappy and I've said plenty of things I wish I never did. I just didn't have anyone to talk to. And when I did, i just let it out all out. I bottled it so much..

I was told I was going to be someone amazing and that great things will come..
but.. then.. it all went to hell. Even now.. just thinking back to a few years ago and the journey I've made.. I.. begin to feel bad cause it sucked. I get it, it was all my fault. I know.
but.. it was a lot more than what I expected..

I just wanted to hear that things would get better and that everyone goes through a bad time.

I spent so much time locked away on my own time growing up.

And then when things we're starting to become interesting and important, life locked me up..

and now.. I'm just a mess.

I don't talk to anyone, besides one person and only because I've known him for 13 years. but.. we don't even talk or see eye to eye.

I started to figure out that I'm a bigger mess than what I realized.
Just recently.. I figured out that I have an eating disorder.. When I was a kid, I used to be chubby.. kids made fun of me and I began to lose weight. and you can see the stretch marks all over.. especially my back.. I've always told people I want my shirt on or when I've gotten intimate with anyone to not touch my back because I didn't really trust people with knowing my past. I felt.. feel.. afraid.. of letting people know "me." but.. nowadays, I think it's coming back.. I've started eating and gaining major weight. until. yesterday. I think it's finally caught up to me.. I need to figure it out.. maybe just go to do the doctor. but. I think that anytime i eat sugars, my veins constrict so bad, it hurts in my hands, wrists, arms and legs.. theres more signs, but.. I hope its not type II diabetes..

I can't, or don't have anyone to, talk about it to anyone..
I didnt like people knowing who I was; I was afraid of people knowing all my flaws..
Now.. all I am is flaws.

Food.. is my problem.. though I think I'm keeping away from it. within reason...
sigh. I just need to keep strong. Step by step.

I need to stay positive.
If I have more issues physically, I have to push forward..
I'm slowly recovering and working on myself. It's been so difficult.
It's actually killed my smile. My emotions are causing me to frown 90% of the day.. It sucks..

Anyways, I'll figure it out.

Especially if I can get this job.. I tried..
I want it so I can feel validated.
I want to escape my problems.. but.. in a healthy way..

With a healthy relationship.
I want to try and talk to someone if I have a problem.
I want to be the support and get support.
I want to have someone who likes the same lame stuff I do.
Who has the same unrealistic ideas that I do.
Who wants to be cute and adorable.
I just want to feel at home again because of someone.

--

I've been focusing on getting this one job in particular because it pays well.
It's in a good area, where I want to have and raise children.
It's not a complete depression hole.
Taking care of Ana, as terrible as I am, is making me realize I need to keep it together.. I needn't be so mean.. she's going through the same stuff I am, and I don't want her to feel as bad as I do.
I need to focus on being healthy. in all aspects.

--

Goals for the week:
Be positive. Try to keep in touch with that job in Noblesville.
Learn something new.
Post a blog this week saying something positive or a direction you're wanting to take.
And realize that things will get better.

Overachiever goals:
Go to a doctor and get checked out. It's seriously that bad...

Get it together, Elliot.
--
Just find someone to dress in cute clothes and cuddle with.
To put those cute garter belts, and cute kitty collars.
And to pet them when they're down.

That's what'll make you smile deep down.

I need to make a plan and stay with it

I can't stop thinking about a specific someone from my past.

She's still killing me emotionally; I'm not strong enough to move on.

I've tried dating, 'hooking-up,' and even just ignoring everything by just focusing on myself.

It doesn't work. I still see her in everything I do. Everything I want. The feelings I want to keep feeling are her.

I have always thought of things to do with myself to better myself, though lately, it's been the complete opposite. Slowly I've been letting go of myself, I've started to gain weight. I've been considering doing drugs and drinking my problems away, at least smoking. Why not? It seems like everyone is doing a few of those. minimum.

I can't.

That's not "me."

The first solution that has come up was to attempt to win her over again.
Try everything I did before.
First step is to be in the same area or have the same friends.
Chat her up, online or offline.
Something.

Can't. We have completely different friends and I'm even slowly getting rid of the ones I do have because they've become bad influences or 'uncool' people.
I don't know where she goes nor am I going to figure that out by social engineering. I'm not that guy anymore. Might check every so often to see what she's up to, but I try to do that as sparingly as I can manage.
I've tried to talk to her online, we shared this one random site from years before we met. It doesn't work. She just says, "no."

I've partially scrapped that, if not completely scrapped it.

The next solution is to keep myself busy with bettering myself.
I was running and trying to keep away from soda and be "healthier," as much as I could, but none of that really helped because I hit a slump so bad I couldn't recover. Even started to gain weight...
I tried finding a "good job," but I would constantly go to three interviews or similar for one company and get denied for one reason or another. Or my past would come and rear its ugly head once again.

The current solution is to run.

I have no other idea that could help me as a human and with my emotions.
I keep thinking and thinking. What if...

What if I just picked up what little I had, and could take, with me and just went to Chicago.

Have a month or two's rent and try to live in the city.
I keep wanting to find a small room downtown and try my hardest to exceed.
I saw one advertisement for a one bedroom, everything included, downtown at a reasonable rate.
I keep thinking about it. That's it. That's what I need. It has a gym in the same building, it's convenient. Had internet and I could pursue what I wanted to. Game related or business studies. It was downtown.

Downtown Chicago.
There are so many chances there. Opportunities. People.
but.. I'm afraid of leaving the few people I love here. I'm especially afraid of killing any hope of having her. That scares me. I used to have a problem admitting what was wrong or what scared me, but I can't ever get better if I don't talk or admit my problems.

I miss her.
I adore her.
I still am in love with her as much as I always was.
There's no one I remember hugging as tightly as I did with her.
I felt like she was my other half.
I feel... complete.. when I was with her.
And every time I let go from when we hang out, it would hurt so bad.
Hurt in a place deeper than any pain I've suffered.
I would always feel it was the last time I would see and hold her as 'mine..'

I wasn't wrong, and it's hurt since we last did..

I'm strong. I have to be. I need to be.

What I need to understand is things have changed. She's changed, and I've changed.
I need to leave my current city and move somewhere else.
I need to realize that the shit that goes on here sucks. It sucks so terribly, not because of the city, but because what I'm putting myself through. I think it's a lovely city here, but I've tied it to so much negativity or sadness from the memories that I don't think it's for me anymore.

I need to realize I have people I need to prove right. Everyone said I was someone who would be important or special. That I had infinite talent or potential. Everyone's believed in me more than I believed in myself. They've said more than any shred of positiveness that I've given myself.
I need to realize that I will kill myself here if I don't leave.
I end all possibility of doing something with myself if I stay.

I want new opportunities.
I want to meet new people.
I want to fall in Love again.
I wish to fall harder this next time.
I want children.
I want a future.
I do not want to kill myself because I'm weak.
As much as it would pain me to lose the thought or chance of even the millionth smallest percentage of any shred of hope of being near her..
It wouldn't compare to losing myself. That's what I need to remember.


As much as I love her, I need to love myself before anyone else.

I need to show myself good things.
I need to treat myself like I'm a good person.
To stop punishing myself because of mistakes.
To stop making myself feel bad over something that was inevitable.
To give myself a chance at being happy, just like she's tried.

sigh...

Come'on, Daniel.
You don't need to get pushed, just do it.

"Follow your dreams."