Friday, July 24, 2015

I need to make a plan and stay with it

I can't stop thinking about a specific someone from my past.

She's still killing me emotionally; I'm not strong enough to move on.

I've tried dating, 'hooking-up,' and even just ignoring everything by just focusing on myself.

It doesn't work. I still see her in everything I do. Everything I want. The feelings I want to keep feeling are her.

I have always thought of things to do with myself to better myself, though lately, it's been the complete opposite. Slowly I've been letting go of myself, I've started to gain weight. I've been considering doing drugs and drinking my problems away, at least smoking. Why not? It seems like everyone is doing a few of those. minimum.

I can't.

That's not "me."

The first solution that has come up was to attempt to win her over again.
Try everything I did before.
First step is to be in the same area or have the same friends.
Chat her up, online or offline.

Can't. We have completely different friends and I'm even slowly getting rid of the ones I do have because they've become bad influences or 'uncool' people.
I don't know where she goes nor am I going to figure that out by social engineering. I'm not that guy anymore. Might check every so often to see what she's up to, but I try to do that as sparingly as I can manage.
I've tried to talk to her online, we shared this one random site from years before we met. It doesn't work. She just says, "no."

I've partially scrapped that, if not completely scrapped it.

The next solution is to keep myself busy with bettering myself.
I was running and trying to keep away from soda and be "healthier," as much as I could, but none of that really helped because I hit a slump so bad I couldn't recover. Even started to gain weight...
I tried finding a "good job," but I would constantly go to three interviews or similar for one company and get denied for one reason or another. Or my past would come and rear its ugly head once again.

The current solution is to run.

I have no other idea that could help me as a human and with my emotions.
I keep thinking and thinking. What if...

What if I just picked up what little I had, and could take, with me and just went to Chicago.

Have a month or two's rent and try to live in the city.
I keep wanting to find a small room downtown and try my hardest to exceed.
I saw one advertisement for a one bedroom, everything included, downtown at a reasonable rate.
I keep thinking about it. That's it. That's what I need. It has a gym in the same building, it's convenient. Had internet and I could pursue what I wanted to. Game related or business studies. It was downtown.

Downtown Chicago.
There are so many chances there. Opportunities. People.
but.. I'm afraid of leaving the few people I love here. I'm especially afraid of killing any hope of having her. That scares me. I used to have a problem admitting what was wrong or what scared me, but I can't ever get better if I don't talk or admit my problems.

I miss her.
I adore her.
I still am in love with her as much as I always was.
There's no one I remember hugging as tightly as I did with her.
I felt like she was my other half.
I feel... complete.. when I was with her.
And every time I let go from when we hang out, it would hurt so bad.
Hurt in a place deeper than any pain I've suffered.
I would always feel it was the last time I would see and hold her as 'mine..'

I wasn't wrong, and it's hurt since we last did..

I'm strong. I have to be. I need to be.

What I need to understand is things have changed. She's changed, and I've changed.
I need to leave my current city and move somewhere else.
I need to realize that the shit that goes on here sucks. It sucks so terribly, not because of the city, but because what I'm putting myself through. I think it's a lovely city here, but I've tied it to so much negativity or sadness from the memories that I don't think it's for me anymore.

I need to realize I have people I need to prove right. Everyone said I was someone who would be important or special. That I had infinite talent or potential. Everyone's believed in me more than I believed in myself. They've said more than any shred of positiveness that I've given myself.
I need to realize that I will kill myself here if I don't leave.
I end all possibility of doing something with myself if I stay.

I want new opportunities.
I want to meet new people.
I want to fall in Love again.
I wish to fall harder this next time.
I want children.
I want a future.
I do not want to kill myself because I'm weak.
As much as it would pain me to lose the thought or chance of even the millionth smallest percentage of any shred of hope of being near her..
It wouldn't compare to losing myself. That's what I need to remember.

As much as I love her, I need to love myself before anyone else.

I need to show myself good things.
I need to treat myself like I'm a good person.
To stop punishing myself because of mistakes.
To stop making myself feel bad over something that was inevitable.
To give myself a chance at being happy, just like she's tried.


Come'on, Daniel.
You don't need to get pushed, just do it.

"Follow your dreams."