Friday, August 28, 2015

Rose's Room - aivi & surasshu

8/28/2015

I haven't updated in a while.

We usually get discouraged when we don't get enough attention. We can't stay motivated enough because we always seek validation. That's honestly the biggest reason I tend to act like some dog.

I'm still pretty rough when it comes to being nice.
I've never been able to handle things when it came to my life and people who mattered.
Everyone, who I learned from growing up, always ran away from their problems. Let it be divorce or problems.
They always shut themselves away from people.

Sigh. These past few years, I've gotten really crappy and I've said plenty of things I wish I never did. I just didn't have anyone to talk to. And when I did, i just let it out all out. I bottled it so much..

I was told I was going to be someone amazing and that great things will come..
but.. then.. it all went to hell. Even now.. just thinking back to a few years ago and the journey I've made.. I.. begin to feel bad cause it sucked. I get it, it was all my fault. I know.
but.. it was a lot more than what I expected..

I just wanted to hear that things would get better and that everyone goes through a bad time.

I spent so much time locked away on my own time growing up.

And then when things we're starting to become interesting and important, life locked me up..

and now.. I'm just a mess.

I don't talk to anyone, besides one person and only because I've known him for 13 years. but.. we don't even talk or see eye to eye.

I started to figure out that I'm a bigger mess than what I realized.
Just recently.. I figured out that I have an eating disorder.. When I was a kid, I used to be chubby.. kids made fun of me and I began to lose weight. and you can see the stretch marks all over.. especially my back.. I've always told people I want my shirt on or when I've gotten intimate with anyone to not touch my back because I didn't really trust people with knowing my past. I felt.. feel.. afraid.. of letting people know "me." but.. nowadays, I think it's coming back.. I've started eating and gaining major weight. until. yesterday. I think it's finally caught up to me.. I need to figure it out.. maybe just go to do the doctor. but. I think that anytime i eat sugars, my veins constrict so bad, it hurts in my hands, wrists, arms and legs.. theres more signs, but.. I hope its not type II diabetes..

I can't, or don't have anyone to, talk about it to anyone..
I didnt like people knowing who I was; I was afraid of people knowing all my flaws..
Now.. all I am is flaws.

Food.. is my problem.. though I think I'm keeping away from it. within reason...
sigh. I just need to keep strong. Step by step.

I need to stay positive.
If I have more issues physically, I have to push forward..
I'm slowly recovering and working on myself. It's been so difficult.
It's actually killed my smile. My emotions are causing me to frown 90% of the day.. It sucks..

Anyways, I'll figure it out.

Especially if I can get this job.. I tried..
I want it so I can feel validated.
I want to escape my problems.. but.. in a healthy way..

With a healthy relationship.
I want to try and talk to someone if I have a problem.
I want to be the support and get support.
I want to have someone who likes the same lame stuff I do.
Who has the same unrealistic ideas that I do.
Who wants to be cute and adorable.
I just want to feel at home again because of someone.

--

I've been focusing on getting this one job in particular because it pays well.
It's in a good area, where I want to have and raise children.
It's not a complete depression hole.
Taking care of Ana, as terrible as I am, is making me realize I need to keep it together.. I needn't be so mean.. she's going through the same stuff I am, and I don't want her to feel as bad as I do.
I need to focus on being healthy. in all aspects.

--

Goals for the week:
Be positive. Try to keep in touch with that job in Noblesville.
Learn something new.
Post a blog this week saying something positive or a direction you're wanting to take.
And realize that things will get better.

Overachiever goals:
Go to a doctor and get checked out. It's seriously that bad...

Get it together, Elliot.
--
Just find someone to dress in cute clothes and cuddle with.
To put those cute garter belts, and cute kitty collars.
And to pet them when they're down.

That's what'll make you smile deep down.

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